Who is in charge?
Do you ever feel like you are "at the effect" of the other people in your life?
Your mom has an appointment to get her blood drawn and doesn't tell you she needs a ride until the night before.
Your daughter forgot to tell you about the project that is due tomorrow and now you feel like you need to drop everything you had planned and head to the craft store.
You feel like you are walking around on eggshells because you know something is bothering your husband, but he keeps telling you nothing is wrong.
Your boss swoops in at the last minute and wants to change the campaign that you have been working on for months.
Your co-worker wants you to do something that is definitely not in your job description and your manager isn't doing anything about it.
Let's just establish that none of these people are doing it right. They are rude, inconsiderate, flaky or some combination of the three. Regardless, they drive you crazy.
Here is the best news ever - THEY aren't driving you crazy. It is YOUR THOUGHTS about them that are driving you crazy. And this is something that you DO have control over, by practicing your critical thinking skills on your own thinking.
My work centers on the concept that the critical thinking skills that we are taught with regards to other people's work - literature, art, etc. can be applied to our own thinking.
1) It starts with observation. Do a thought download. Get all of your thoughts about the situation out of your head and onto a piece of paper. Don't filter any of it. Just dump it out of your brain onto paper. Picture taking the kitchen junk drawer and upending it on the counter- do this with the thoughts in your brain.
2) Now go back and start your analysis by separating out the FACTS of the situation from your THOUGHTS about it. Circle the facts. These are the things that are not subjective at all. There is data that proves it, and everyone would agree with it. For example: Sunday at 7:23PM, they sent me a text that said "xyz."
Then you will highlight your thoughts about this fact.
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They should have let me know about this on Friday.
They don't respect my time or my boundaries.
I don't want to be the one who says no to them.
I wish that I were the type of person who didn't resent this.
You will likely have many thoughts about the situation. This is not a problem; this is where your power lies.
3) Problem solving. Ask yourself- do I want to let my mom, daughter, husband, boss or co-worker determine the quality of my day? Do I want them to be my Puppet Master? If not, then you can take your power back by:
Establishing boundaries with the other person. Boundaries are about what YOU will do, not what they need to do. A boundary could be "I will not make changes to my schedule without a 24-hour notice."
Challenging your initial assumption. Ask yourself the following:
Is it possible that my knee jerk response is wrong?
If this is how they always act, then why am I choosing to make this about me?
It feels familiar to blame other people for your emotions. And others will agree with you that this is what is going on- these other people are to blame. But then what? You are stuck, you have to resent them or quit your job in order to feel better.
There is another choice.
One of the most empowering, yet scary, skills that we can learn is how to take responsibility for our own emotions. Our emotions come from our thoughts. We are responsible for how we feel every single moment. By using the steps and questions above, we can all learn how to apply critical thinking skills on our own thoughts. We can observe how/if our current thoughts are serving us and then decide to think differently.
I help women learn how to Drink Less and create a life that they love. This critical thinking work is foundational because when we address the underlying stressors in our lives (it is always our thoughts) and create a plan for change, then Drinking Less doesn't feel like deprivation anymore, it feels like liberation.
I have had a number of people "graduate" from my program. They are now 100% in control of their relationship with alcohol and are using these self-coaching skills to live a life that they love.
If you want to be able to say this for yourself by early June, I now have spots for five new 1:1 clients.
If this is something that has been nagging at you for a bit, schedule a consult today and we will determine if coaching is a fit for you. There is no obligation on your part and even if we determine that it is not a good fit, I will give you some other resources to consider.
Are you ready to be the boss of your brain? We should definitely talk. I have figured this out for myself and would love to be able to share it with you.
