The story about the monster under the bed is much worse than the monster itself.
Emotions are so powerful that everything we do in life is because of how we think that it will make us feel.
And yet most of us are emotionally illiterate.
Most people are unaware of what they are feeling. They can't even name them. And they believe that emotions come from things going on in their lives.
I think that this has happened for a few reasons.
There is no incentive to do so. With infinite ways to buy, scroll, eat, or drink our way out of feeling our feelings, why bother? You have to make a conscious effort to go against the grain and feel them. And without the incentive, why put in the hard work?
This was not taught when we were growing up. Most people believe that little Johnny hurt their feelings back when they were young. Johnny sharing on the playground does not hurt. It is the thought that he should share that creates the disappointment. Without this expectation, there is no disappointment or hurt.
We avoid the things that we don't understand. The brain is designed to seek pleasure, avoid plan and conserve energy. We don't know what the experts mean when they say "get into your body and process it". It seems difficult, so we just ignore it.
Avoiding emotions is a big reason that people drink. I would tell myself that I want to take the edge off, or to relax, or to reward myself after a hard day. But the unspoken underneath this was that I didn't want to feel what I was feeling.
Learning how to turn into the emotions has become a skill that helped me with drinking and all other areas of my life- creating a healthy lifestyle and doing all of the entrepreneurial things for example!
First some grounding. Sensations (hunger, pain) are involuntary and start in the body. Emotions might seem involuntary, but they are not. They are created in our brain and experienced as vibrations in the body. Again, these emotions are created by our thoughts, not by the annoying boss or the rude driver in rush hour.
Grab a piece of paper and try this exercise:
What are the three feelings that you have experienced today? Name them.
Go back to the what was going on when these feelings came up.
Notice how you can re-create that feeling by taking yourself back to that moment?
Can you identify the thought that you were thinking that created this emotion?
What is going on in your body? Ironically enough, take the emotion out and be clinical. If you were a sportscaster, how would you describe it to someone who has never seen the sport? For example - anxious could mean a flushed face, pit in the stomach, cold hands.
Now take a deep breath and thank yourself because you felt an emotion. And remind yourself that you have survived 100% of the emotions that you have felt.
This is a practice. Repeat it a couple of times a day to reacquaint yourself with your emotions. Periodically stop what you are doing to check in with yourself. Do the detective work to figure out what thought created it. You will begin to see the direct connection between your thoughts and your emotions. You will also gain confidence that you can feel the emotion.
This is what happened for me. The story that I made up about that "monster under the bed" was much scarier than he turned out to be in reality.
So the answer to the question above “Why bother feeling them?” is freedom. When we are scared of our emotions, we play small in an effort to stay safe. When we are not afraid of them anymore, then the possibilities open up. The full human experience includes it all - both positive and negative emotions and that is what makes life interesting.
How are you at identifying and feeling your feelings? What difference do you think you could create in your life if you were willing to feel your emotions? What if you could teach your brain to just observe the urge to drink rather than act on it? Note- if you haven't done so already, download my urge meditation, and keep it handy to help you in the moment.
