Thanks, Maya, but sometimes we can know better and still not do better and that’s ok.
Don't we have enough things to beat ourselves up about?
kids who have struggles (If I were a better mom...)
homes that aren't perfectly clean and organized (So and so can do it, but I can't keep up to those standards....)
always feel like there is more to do and not enough time to do it (if I were more organized...)
unpredictable bosses (If I could just figure out the exact right thing, then I would be able to placate him/her...)
And if that is not enough, there is a "there must be something wrong with me" underneath each of these thoughts.
I am a sucker for inspirational quotes on social media. I scroll through them and feel inspired for about 15 seconds and then walk away deflated and kind of icky. Maybe that is why they call it Instagram Porn...
But I have noticed that some of the most insidious quotes are those that sound good on the surface level, but we will then use to beat ourselves up with. Not like the backhanded remark like "she has such a nice personality." Yeah, maybe she does, but the unsaid part of that statement is "to make up for her appearance." These are the more subtle ones.
I do not for a minute believe that Maya Angelou intended that her words be weaponized when she said:
But unfortunately, people will use statements like this against themselves.
Many of my clients will tell me that they know better, but they aren't doing better.
They know that don't like the results that they are getting in their lives, the hangovers, regret, embarrassment and extra weight, and yet continue to drink. It can almost feel like they are drinking against their will. And then to add insult to injury, they make this mean that something must be wrong with them, because they should know better.
I think that this is a timing issue.
Because in hindsight, this is the perfect explanation for how change happened.
But when you are in the middle of it, it is hard to see the full picture. It is a "forest for the trees" situation.
If this is you and you are in the thick of it right now, I want you to take a deep breath. You continue to show up for yourself and are learning. When you continue to do the work, you will eventually get to the point where that knowledge clicks into place. Shoulding over yourself in the meantime not only slows down the process, but makes the journey terrible.
Here are two things that you can do for yourself this week:
What comes up for you when you ask yourself: what if I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now?
Look at how far you have come- what you have learned and who you are becoming because of this journey. These are hard one and deserve to be celebrated.
It might sound woo-woo, but it is not as much what you are doing that is keeping you stuck, as it is what you are thinking. Starting with telling yourself that there is something wrong with you because if you knew better, you would do better.
If you would like some extra support on your journey, I am here for you. I offer 1:1 coaching where I will help you unblock whatever it is that is that will allow that knowledge to click into place. Schedule a session with me if you would like to learn how this can apply in your life.
