Should-ing all over yourself
I am sure that there are people who find that self-judgement serves them. I am not one of them.
For me, self-judgement shows up as "should-ing" all over myself, and immediately shuts me down.
I should eat healthier
I should not be annoyed by my step-father
I should be further along
I am a life coach and I should know better (this is the show stopper)
Picture the Know It All, Mean Girl who we love to hate in the movies saying any of the above.
Then cut to the child who is pouting, arms crossed over her chest and sitting with her back to you. She is completely shut down and pissed.
But most importantly, she is not listening. And if she is not listening, then there is no learning and no moving forward.
Super productive right?
Language matters. The words that we choose to use with ourselves and others matter.
I hear my clients, and my own sneaky brain, fight for using "tough love" on themselves. The argument is we need rules for ourselves because without them, all hell will break loose. We will just sit on the couch binging Netflix, eating Easter candy and drinking wine.
The irony is that often times, "should-ing" on yourself can lead to just that.
Think about this situation. Lynn has committed to cleaning out the guest room closet before her house guests arrive this weekend. She keeps telling herself that she has to clean out the closet but then puts it off. The night before they arrive, it is still hanging over her head. She is not motivated and feels guilty. To make herself feel better, she sits on the couch binging Netflix, eating Easter candy and drinking wine that was not on her plan.
She is rebelling against a rule that she made for herself.
She does not want to hear the "should-ing" and is in total avoidance.
How would this be different for her if she told herself the truth?
The truth is that she chose to clean out the closet.
If we peel this back a layer, she does want a clean closet, but she is not motivated to clean the closet. As long as this remains hidden, it cannot be unpacked. Think of how gross it is to find a kid's lunchbox that was not unpacked. Ewww - sorry, I digress.
She can just as easily change her mind and decide that the closet is fine, and skip the guilt/Netflix/candy/wine cycle. The key is that to do that, she has to face it first.
How does this apply to your goal to re-gain control over your relationship with alcohol?
Are you "should-ing" all over yourself about your drinking? Or are you deciding to take control and unwind the habit?
It is important to tell yourself the truth.
Unwinding any habit will be uncomfortable, but that does not mean that anything has gone wrong. Quite the contrary, it means that new things are right around the corner.
