Alcohol is not the duct tape

I worked with a client who was sad that, since her daughter quit drinking, she would never be able to have a margarita with her girlfriends at the beach.

She was not literally sad about the margarita. It was what it symbolized. She did not want her daughter to miss out on the fun and connection that we often have over drinks.

Many people believe that alcohol is the connective tissue that is holding the social activity together. And it is a very common fear that not drinking as much will impact your connection with others. This fear is very real.  When we look at human behavioral psychology, societal needs (connection), rank right after basic needs, (food, water and safety.)

It makes sense that the brain has alcohol and connection intertwined. The brain typically sees these two together - like peanut butter and jelly or Tweddle Dee and Tweddle Dumb.

But this does not make it true.

This is like the difference between causation and correlation.

This is best explained with the hemline theory. That skirt hemlines are higher when the economy is performing better, and longer during downturns. The data supports this theory during two periods of history: the Roaring Twenties and the 1980's. Someone could chart skirt lengths against the S&P index (or insert other metric), and see that they both move in the same direction. This means that the relationship is correlated. This does not mean that there is a causal relationship here. In other words, no one believes that mini-skirts are causing a strong economy. 

The margarita = connection is a correlation. This is not a causal relationship.

I have had many late nights with girlfriends, drinking the xth bottle of wine and solving all of the world's problems. We would have classified it as fun, but I have such hazy recollections of the conversations, it was not true connection. It is more accurate to say that the connection was the shared hangover experience the next morning! No thanks.

As I figured out my relationship with alcohol, it came into focus.

In the beginning I was self-conscious about people judging me for not drinking. And guess what? Being self-conscious does not make for connection. It makes for playing small, not talking much, leaving early and maybe some self-pity.

Once I saw the results that I was getting from thinking that people were judging me, I was able to course correct. What I know now is that what is in my glass did not matter as much as who is around the table. And that is how connections are formed.

The truth is that alcohol actually disconnects us. It impairs our ability to truly connect.

Now, when I am with friends, my attention is on them. Not on when the waiter will bring more wine.

I remember what we discussed the next day. Ok, maybe some would say that remembering the deep dark secrets that we confess is a bad thing…

I do not have to win any debates.

There is a huge alcohol industry that does not want this secret revealed, but the truth is that the margarita is not the duct tape holding it all together.

Connection is between people.