Believing that I deserved that other drink undermined what I really deserve.
I did deserve that extra drink. It felt very justified.
I bought into society's false promises that drinking is a sophisticated way to provide comfort. A just reward for hard work. A fancy woobie/lovey.
My kids had woobies when they were younger: Lammy for Patrick and Fifi for Samantha. The kids used these stuffed animals to self soothe in a "crisis", or when it was time to go to sleep. Until I learned the importance of having backups, it was a true Defcon 1 situation when one of the "sleep friends" was missing at bedtime!
It may seem like a digression, but there were similarities between the loveys and my nightly wine habit.
Ok, so maybe I did not cuddle up to my wine, but I certainly found comfort in it.
Until I began to question if that what I really wanted.
I have participated in a leadership exercise that involves writing your own eulogy. The idea is to articulate the key character traits for which you would like to be remembered. Once you have this insight, then it is easier to bring this into your life today.
There was something about the eulogy that never resonated with me. And since I was blocked, I ended up listing what I thought I should say rather than anything that I found truly inspiring. Not very helpful.
And then I found the exercise that did resonate with me and the juices started flowing. Picture yourself as an 88 year old Grannie/Grandpa- gray hair, glasses, cataracts, widowed, osteoporosis- the whole nine yards. What advice would he/she give you today?
Your relationship with yourself is fundamental, when you are solid with yourself, the rest of it is easier.
Other people's opinion of you is none of your business.
Your past does not determine your future.
Your best days are ahead of you.
Stepping into discomfort is not a problem, in fact, this is where the magic happens.
You can do hard things.
You deserve a life that you don't want to numb out of.
If this were Sophie's choice and I had to choose between that extra wine and a life that I don't want to miss a second of, I know that I would choose the latter. There is no question that that is where I want to put my energy- creating a life that I love.
It did take some practice to redirect my brain away from the comfort in the moment towards the longer term goal. But the good news is that it is a conditioned habit and it can be unlearned. I learned how to call bs on the thought "I deserve the extra drink".
And this is exactly why I find coaching to be groundbreaking. Sure we can talk about hacks and different distractions, but they are not sustainable. Coaching at the thought level, because every action is driven by a thought, is where we can achieve long term sustainable change.
The next time you notice your brain offering the thought "I deserve a drink", pause and ask yourself: what is it that I really deserve?
By going for that drink, how are you undermining what you really deserve?
