Night time me was an asshole

It is confusing to want something and not want it at the same time. It is very difficult to try to stop doing something when there is a part of you that believes it is providing a benefit. This is like trying to drive a car with the emergency break on. Sure it will work, but it is not efficient.

I used to wake up feeling terrible and would vow to cut back on my drinking. And then 5:00pm would roll around and I was back at it again.

I needed that glass of wine to unwind after my hard day. The irony is that it was a tough day because of all of the wine that I had the night before.

I was stuck on this hamster wheel.

I wanted a "Beam Me Up, Scotty" option. If someone had offered me a pill, or a mantra, or told me that jumping up and down on one leg would help, I would have tried it. Ok, I did try some of these things.

I just wanted to be there. To be in a place where night time me wasn't an asshole.

I didn't want the damn journey.

But it turns out the journey was exactly what I needed.

Because what I learned about myself was critical in unwinding the habit of drinking.

I identified as a high achieving, party girl. I was proud of the fact that I always performed well- in class, at work, or doing shots at the bar. But the only way that I could get to the place of drinking less, I had to let that identity go. I had to give up the party girl moniker.

Doing this allowed me to create sustainable change in my life. I stepped out of the willpower game, which is always a loosing game.

I learned how to unwind the habit by allowing the urges to come and not act like it is an emergency. Think about the mom in the grocery store who calmly watches her child melt down.

An urge meditation was a very important tool for me during my journey. I have created one for you to leverage as well. Please try it out here and let me know how it worked for you.