When life is rough
Do you feel like you are on a merry go round with your drinking because your life is rough? It isn't that your life is rough, the real problem is that you aren’t giving equal airtime to what is going right in your life.
We were big fans of The Voice a couple of years ago. The TV show was a competition where the judges would vote a singer onto their team based solely on their voice. It was light and family fun entertainment for us.
For the human-interest part of the show, there were vignettes about the contestants and the hardships that they overcame to be where they are today.
I remember my daughter turned to me and asked “isn’t that weird that everyone on here has had some sort of tragedy in their lives?”
After discussing it, the ten-year-old came around to the insight that every interesting story arc includes overcoming something bad. And since everyone has had some bad in their lives, when the producers asked, the contestants could deliver.
Everyone has rough patches. Everyone has hard stuff in their lives. If we look for it, we will find it.
And if we focus on it, that is all that we will see.
my brother committed suicide
my daughter died from an overdose
my boss is old school, uptight and makes my life miserable
my husband, who was the love of my life, passed away
I have COVID and I am scared that I might die
Please hear me - I am not suggesting that any of these circumstances are good. What I am saying is that when they are the focus, it becomes very easy to believe that the entirely of our life is rough. But this is never the case because our lives are more multidimensional than that. There is always light with the dark - always.
This doesn’t come naturally because the brain does have a negativity bias. This negativity bias definitely came in handy when our ancestors had to worry about a predator eating them, but we don’t have that problem today.
Today, what is eating us are the shitty stories that we ruminate on.
These stories make us feel terrible and then we think that we need to drink to feel better. It is a merry go round.
I want to offer you two of my favorite suggestions for how to change that script and give some attention to what is going well in your life.
Every night: write down three good things that happened today and why they went well. This directs your brain towards what is working and develops the practice of focusing on the good. This is the practice of “giving equal airtime to the good” as my coach Brooke Castillo says.
Did you know that using creativity creates neural pathways faster than repetition? Leverage this shortcut with a creativity project and draw a sun. I know, I know, you aren’t creative, but honestly anyone can do this. If you are really feeling apprehensive about this, enlist the help of any kid you can find. They will do it and I bet they include a smiley face just for fun. Once you have your sun, write about the things that you are grateful for on the rays of the sun. This doesn't have to be a one and done project, feel free to add to it and enjoy what you created.
Please hit reply and let me know how these suggestions resonate with you.
If you want more support in your journey to drink less, please consider if my 12 week 1:1 coaching program.
This program is ideal for you if you already have some failed attempts to moderate, secretly questioned if you are an alcoholic, but know that you aren’t. And most importantly, you have now decided that you really do want to change your drinking for good (not just when you are hungover or because your kids have made comments.) You need to want it for you. I only work with clients who are committed to put in the work. If this is you, I would love to show you exactly how, step by step.
At the end of these 12 weeks, you will feel happier, and you will be 100% in control of your relationship with alcohol.
